ducks in a row

Ducks in a Row?

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I’m sure I’m not the first to notice that some aspects of the times we’re living in are easier to adjust to than others. These Shelter-in-Place and Safer-at-Home orders certainly take some getting used to. I just don’t think they’ve thought of us single people.  

Surely we all need a little social interaction. And while we are still permitted to go to the supermarket, we still have to practise social distancing, which isn’t exactly conducive to great conversation.  

Queuing

Social distancing queuing is a concept I’m especially struggling to get to grips with. At Trader Joe’s it’s a particular nightmare, with a line snaking apparently aimlessly around the car park. With most of the people on the older side, it just looks like we’re all having a senior moment and have forgotten what we came for.  

It’s not helped by the fact that some of the people in the line are inevitably talking on their phones with wireless earbuds in. That just makes it look like they are muttering to themselves, trying to remember their shopping list: “need goat’s cheese; mustn’t forget the hummus …”  

But I can’t help thinking that social distancing queuing in the open in Florida is just a matter of jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. If COVID-19 won’t get you, then melanoma will.  

Dating

On the other hand, I think some people seem to have missed the point entirely. I got an email last week, inviting me to join a dating website at a special introductory price. “After all,” it breezed, “social distancing doesn’t mean you can’t date.”  

Really? Clearly, I’ve been doing it all wrong. But I suppose it’s never too late to learn.  

In fact, I’d really love to know that how social distancing dating works. At six feet apart, do you have to whisper sweet nothings into a girl’s ear via a megaphone?  

Or is the idea that everything is done online? If so, at least I get the texting part. But what about sex? Ah, yes, of course! Now at least I understand the popularity of Blackboard Collaborate Ultra.  

Silver Lining

Frankly, for a Torts class, I think that such collaboration is a little too ultra. But then I’ve never been able to take that product seriously because of its name. It reminds me too much of Charmin Ultra. Though, if there’s one thing I have learned in this crisis, it’s that Americans value a good store of toilet paper more highly than having sex.  

Indeed, there is at least one silver lining in all this. Apparently, there’s a global shortage of condoms as production has been badly affected by the pandemic. But if sex is all going online, there won’t be so much demand for condoms anyway.