While I’m away, I’m not checking my emails as much as usual. Today, however, I noted a missive that must be exciting everyone back on campus. It announced, as though this were good news:
The part for the elevator came in today and Otis will be out to install. The elevators should be up and running by tomorrow morning or early afternoon.
Now, I suppose it might be just me, but I can see trouble ahead.
For a start, as every Brit knows, Otis is an aardvark. While there’s no doubt that he has a very impressive résumé, I don’t recall “elevator engineer” being one of his headline accomplishments. And how would an aardvark fit a replacement elevator part anyway? Well, on second thoughts, that probably depends on which part it is.
In which case, is there a special set of tools that aardvarks keep precisely for the purpose? If so, there must presumably be a special aardvark department in Lowes and Home Depot that I’ve not checked out yet. Now there’s something for the bucket list.
But it’s not just the announcement of who’s coming to fit the part that concerns me. It’s also the bit that says that the “elevators should be up and running”. Now I admit I’m no expert in either elevators or running, but I’m fairly sure that running is the last thing we want elevators to be doing.
Well, I say I’m no expert. I did do cross-country running in my youth, and was supposedly half-decent at it. But I always found it so boring. I am quite happy rambling along, going nowhere in particular. But if you’re going nowhere in particular, what’s the point of getting there faster?
I had a dog like that, called Truffle. He was a bundle of energy. I only saw him worn out once, and he lived well into his teens. He was always desperate to get everywhere fast. But, once we’d arrived, he wanted to get to the next place just as fast. So what was the point of that?
Strudel’s quite different. She’s a Florida dog, so she doesn’t believe in over-exertion. For example, I don’t see her volunteering to fit an elevator part. She’s happy to leave that to the aardvark.
But I digress. As I said, I’m fairly sure that running is the last thing we want elevators to be doing. All the people I know who go running do so in a more-or-less horizontal direction. Surely we want our elevators to be operating vertically. So I want to hear that they’ll be up and jumping. Or, if they’re in the tower, then up and vaulting.
If what the elevators will be doing is “up and running”, then I fear the consequences could be disastrous. Stetson could soon be experiencing a major demolition job. I’ll return in a few months to see the campus in rubble. And all because someone called in Otis.
Perhaps it is just me after all. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.