Ear Today …

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With the economy struggling, I have been feeling that I should be doing my bit by patronizing local businesses. But so many have already closed down for the duration. Let’s just hope that they are able to spring up again afterwards. 

On the other hand, some places really don’t help themselves. One thing I thought I might do is start ordering the occasional take-out. Dr. BBQ down the road, for example, often smells enticing when Strudel and I walk past. But I am somewhat put off by the fact that it always seems to be playing Britney Spears’s Toxic


One business I really could do with visiting soon is a barber’s. Otherwise I could end up being hairier than Strudel. But how does someone cut my hair if s/he has to be at least six feet away? Do I have to pop down to Lowe’s or Home Depot and get someone in the gardening department to do the job with lawn shears? 

Maybe they’ll be inventing a new sort of style. Men will no longer be asking for a crew cut, or an undercut, or a Number 4. Instead, they’ll be opting for the Van Gogh. To which the standard response will surely be: Certainly, sir! One ear or two? 

But I can tell you right now that they won’t be trimming my eyebrows. 


I have, however, raised a quizzical eyebrow at the puzzling lack of a vital piece of information about the coronavirus. Surely the real issue is whether it does its measurements in metric or imperial. After all, it’s no good telling people to maintain a social distance of six feet apart if the virus goes by meters. 

And just how far apart is six feet anyway? The BBC reckons that it’s the length of a broom. Now, I’m a big fan of the BBC. But I’m not sure that’s terribly helpful. When was the last time you walked around wielding a broom? And is it really something they should be encouraging? 

I just don’t think the necessary research was done first. Surely there are many sizes of broom? And telling us it has to be big isn’t much help either. I have a couple of big toes, and I’m fairly sure that neither of them is six feet long. 

It’s All Dandy

Shazza has suggested that we all get hula hoops of the appropriate diameter (presumably allowing for personal girth). That suggestion does, of course, suffer from the minor flaw that a hula hoop does not stay up on its own. But perhaps she envisions us all walking around like the guy in the Dandy Warhols’ videos

In which case, do we all need a sleeveless Argyle sweater too? Perhaps the virus doesn’t attack those looking Dandy? 

Shazza is a bit of an exercise junkie, though, so I suspect she’s also thinking that it wouldn’t do us any harm if we all lost a few pounds and gained flatter abs at the same time. I can also imagine the marketing slogan directed at those binge-watching TV: 

Don’t Forget to Hula to Hulu! 

Mind you, that does sound a bit like an entreaty to remember a girl called Tahula Tahulu. But if she has a name like that, surely you’d never forget it. On the other hand, though, if you’ve just had one of the new Van Gogh haircuts, I suppose you might never have heard it.